 This is parental advice for their children on establishing friendships. It's taken from an online circulation. It's worth reading and timely.
By Rabbi S. Binyomin Ginsberg
Dean, Torah Academy, Minnesota
As we find ourselves in the period of mourning for the destruction of
the Bais Hamikdosh, it may be the right time to address the topic of
children and their friends, with a specific emphasis on inviting
friends to events. The Gemara in Gittin (55b-56a) relates that the
destruction of the Bais Hamikdosh was a result of the repercussions of
someone who came to a party when he was not invited.
While we each have different understandings of what a friend is and
what the term friend includes, it may be worthwhile to look at the
dictionary for an accepted definition. The first definition listed for
friend is somebody who has a close personal relationship of mutual
affection and trust with another.
When we think about the challenges many adults have establishing and
maintaining friendships, we can only imagine the greater challenges
children have in that endeavor. One of the most important skills to
teach children is how to make friends and how to surmount the
challenges surrounding friendships.
An adult who greets a friend one morning may easily understand that it
is not a poor reflection on the friendship if the friend doesn’t
respond with a cheerful greeting, because his friend may be having a
rough time in life. A child, on the other hand, may see a non-friendly
response as a sign of a broken friendship. The child doesn’t easily
understand that there still may be a friendship with the other child.
Furthermore, the child is fearful of the tasks involved in finding a
new friend.
I would like to share some thoughts on what we can do to help our
children make and keep friends. I believe that if we do a quality job
preparing our children for friendships, which includes how to deal with
challenging situations, we can avoid many broken relationships. Later
in this article, I would like to share what I found to be the greatest
cause of broken friendships.
First of all, it is vital for children to understand that one doesn’t
need many friends to be content. Some people find their satisfaction
with having one or two best friends and they see all others as
acquaintances. Others have the need to feel like they have many close
friends. As a first step, I would suggest that we try helping our
children determine if they need many friends or if a few select friends
will suffice.
I would then help the child define what it means to be a friend. I
would go through a thorough list of things that friends do and don’t
do.
It is important to recognize that for many children, it may be
difficult to understand the difference between the roles of friends and
others, such as parents, siblings, rabbeim, etc. If they accept the
definition that a friend is someone who has a close relationship of
mutual affection and trust, then they may not understand how that
person is different from a parent or teacher. Unfortunately, in our
society, where some parents are making the grave mistake of trying to
be their child’s friend, instead of the child’s parent, the confusion
is even greater.
We all know people whom we label as “loners.” While I might not
understand why a person wouldn’t want to have friends and be around
people, I can’t say that there is something wrong with those people.
Children should be exposed to that type of a person as well. This may
help them deal with the potential pain that results when someone
doesn’t want to be their friend. Correct or not, they may write that
person off as a loner.
Making and keeping friends is serious work. There are times when one
doesn’t know if they want to be friends with another person until they
spend some time together. Children should not hesitate to have these
trial periods and they should feel comfortable with the notion that
they are testing the possibility of a friendship.
As you want to develop the qualities your child should have in the
quest to make and maintain friends, think about the qualities you look
for in a friend and list them. Depending on each person’s personality
and temperament, we each may have different interests and desires of
what our friends should be like. However, I think that there are some
common qualities that most people look for in friends.
In no specific order, most people want the following qualities in a friend:
- Someone who can share in happy and sad times.
- Someone who can be trusted with a secret.
- Someone who is a good listener.
- Someone you can’t wait to see after being apart for a while.
- Someone you can rely on for a favor or kindness when needed.
- Someone who gives you the message that you are important in his or her life.
- Someone who is not trying to change you, but is still comfortable giving rebuke when necessary and does it in the right way.
- Someone who doesn’t place conditions on your friendships, such as “I will only be your friend if…”
- Someone who fargins what you have.
The two attributes that most people look for in a friend are loyalty and honesty.
Children need to be taught that we don’t leave one friendship just
because we have found another friend, even though the new friend may
seem to be even “better”.
In preparing this article, I randomly surveyed people and asked them
what they felt was the greatest cause of broken friendships. I was
amazed at the commonalities expressed by those surveyed. The three
causes I heard over and over again were:
- I only felt the friendship when the other person needed me.
- I felt the person was lacking recognition and/or appreciation for what I did for them.
- I wasn’t invited to one event or another.
When I expressed surprise at the last reason listed, I was reminded of the cause of the destruction of the Bais Hamikdosh.
In conclusion, we must expose our children to the causes of broken
friendships and make sure that they are sensitized to avoid these
painful situations. Children should be taught to be inclusive and to
express hakoras hatov.
Just like the destruction of the Bais Hamikdosh was a result of a lack
of friendship, so too should the rebuilding of it be with true ahavas
Yisroel!
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