Parenting tips culled from this week's Parasha, from
Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg
the menahel (spiritual advisor) of Yeshivas Ohr Eliyahu, and a highly acclaimed and popular speaker in Los Angeles.
Parshas Tazria
by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg
Al Pi Darko - According to His Way
The classic medical prescription for most minor ailments contains two elements. First, the patient must take the medicine prescribed by the doctor. Then in order to allow the medicine and the patient's own immune system to work, he must rest in bed. Rav Simcha Zissel, the founder (referred to as the Alter) of Kelm, ztz"l claims that the same is true for spiritual maladies. In addition to whatever "remedy" one might be taking to cure his problem in the areas of character and behavior, to be successful it must be accompanied by peace of mind as well.
In fact, the Alter from Kelm held that peace of mind was the key to all other positive personality traits. Without it, one cannot accurately reflect upon a problem, cannot create a vision or an action plan for improvement, and will never have the patience to take the long path, which is always ultimately the shorter path. Hence, when one goes to the spiritual doctor, which is how the Rambam terms Torah leaders, he can expect a prescription that includes, "Take one dose of Shabbos menucha (rest) and call me in the morning."
The Ohr HaChayim HaKadosh (Rav Chayim ben Atar) iterates this notion at the beginning of this week's sedra. The Parasha begins with the commandment to circumcise one's sons on the eighth day. The Ohr HaChayim HaKadosh asks the question of why the mitzva of bris mila is held on the eighth day instead of on the day of birth. He quotes our sages as stating that waiting eight days is a sign of HaShem's mercy on the child, so that the baby would have the strength to pass through the procedure. The Ohr Hachayim then asks how our sages knew that the child gains the necessary strength specifically on the eighth day? The answer lies in the Zohar, which states that the child gains strength from passing through Shabbos night. It is the Shabbos that establishes the newborn baby as one whose existence is stable. As our sages state, "the world was shaking and unstable throughout the six days of creation until the Shabbos came and made it strong, and then it rested." To insure that even a baby born on Shabbos day would pass through a Shabbos night before its bris, the Torah made bris mila on the eighth day.
From a tiny newborn infant to the entire earth as a whole, the universe gains its strength from the restful state of Shabbos. Since this is true, then it definitely would behoove us to determine the nature and source of true Shabbos rest.
We are accustomed to viewing rest as being merely the absence of work. However, our sages have said that the world HaShem created was materially complete after six days. The only thing lacking was rest. When the first Shabbos night came, so did rest, and the universe was complete. This implies that rest was itself a positive force, not merely a lack of activity.
Similarly, in the davening of Shabbos mincha, the afternoon prayer service, we describe the feeling of Shabbos as a "menucha of love and generosity, a mencuha of truth and belief, a menucha of peace and tranquility, . . . a complete menucha that You desire." Far from sitting around being bored, this menucha sounds like the active expression of the highest elements in life and the ultimate expression of our faith. For this reason, Rav Avraham Grozhensky, the last Mashgiach of the Slobodka Yeshiva, wrote that menuchas Shabbos, that state of restful feeling on Shabbos, is a matter of divine service of spiritual elevation and religious belief.
What is the source of this active, positive menucha? We find several other Hebrew words which all contain the same root-nach-as in the word menucha. First, there is the word mincha which means a gift, but in a different sense than the more commonly used word-matana. The Sefer Hakesav V'Hakabala explains that mincha connotes a gift sent from a common person to one whom he wishes to revere. Hence, the choice of the word mincha to describe Yaakov's present to Eisav when he desired to bribe him with honor, and the use of mincha to describe the meal offering brought on the altar to HaShem. Also, in respect to HaShem's acceptance of offerings we find the phrase rayach nichoach-a pleasing fragrance. Again the Ksav V'Hakabalah explains that the word "nichoach" implies a concept of subservience and humility to G-d. In addition, there is the concept of "linchosam haderech"-to guide them along the path-which the Kesav V'haKabbala explains to mean leading someone along a path while protecting him from all potential hazards.
From all of the above we can derive a true meaning of the notion of menucha. Menucha is the state of humility one feels when in the presence of one who will guide him, provide for him, and protect him from all harm. Our sages described this state as the calm that comes over a person when he finally feels that "all of his work is done." He can then turn all activity over to HaShem and rest, knowing that all is safe and secure.
Amongst the great sages, this state of mind became manifest in their physical being as well. The Alter from Kelm was weak and sickly for much of his life. However, those who merited beholding his countenance on Shabbos saw a radiance that hid any trace of discomfort or pain. Rav Wolbe, shlita, writes that when he came to the Mir Yeshiva he was tested by the Rav Yeruchom Lebovitz, ztz"l. On Shabbos he saw a Rav enter the Yeshiva whose countenance displayed a holiness the likes of which he had never seen. Rav Wolbe asked who the Rav was and was told that it was the Rav Yeruchom Lebovitz. So drastically different was Reb Yeruchom's appearance on Shabbos from that of the week day, that Rav Wolbe did not recognize him! The experience of Shabbos is seen to be so transformational that the Ibn Ezra in parashas Ki Sisa quotes Rav Saadia Gaon as comparing the os-sign-of Shabbos to the os of bris mila. Just as bris mila is a recognizable physical sign that one is a Jew, so too the countenance, speech and actions of Jew on Shabbos should be a clear sign to the world that the person before them is a believing Jew.
One who was afflicted with tzara'as, the physical ailment discussed in this week's sedra, for speaking loshon hara or any of the other transgressions of spiritual sensitivity that cause it to sprout forth, was sent out of the camp for seven days. In addition, one whose house was afflicted was commanded to close up his house before the Cohen came to determine if it was indeed diseased. The reason for these waiting periods is explained by Rav Ovadia Seforno as a way of giving the person time for repentance and prayer, a chance to reflect on what brought him to this situation and to ask HaShem's help in fixing it.
To create this feeling of Shabbos menucha we must follow the teachings of the Prophets and stay away not only from actual creative activity, but also from those topics of conversation, e.g. business, secular pursuits etc. that remove one from the real feeling of menucha. If we eliminate the external noise, and make every effort to tone down the inner noise that we carry with us, then we have the opportunity to think, learn, consider the truth of HaShem's existence, repent, and find a few moments of true spiritual happiness.
In addition, Jewish law states that on Shabbos a Cohen was allowed to look at the patch of potential tzara'as on a person's skin, clothing, or home, but only to tell him that it was not tzara'as. A negative decree had to wait for after Shabbos. Similarly, a Jewish court was not allowed to punish on Shabbos. Rav Chayim Zaitchek ztz"l explains that the Torah did not allow any actions that would disturb the piece of mind of a person on Shabbos. Since that rest was the key to his repentance and to all spiritual advancement, it made no sense to take away the tool that was the key element to the spiritual remedy that he would need. Sometimes, if a person will just rest, he will not need to take an antibiotic!
Aside from assuring that the conversations around our Shabbos tables and the activities in our homes are truly those of piece and rest, we now see another way for us as parents to keep the Shabbos peace. It was a personal resolution of the Alter from Kelm, and one adopted by his entire Yeshiva to stay far away from displays of anger on Shabbos. Not only open anger was totally avoided, but also the tones of annoyance and aggravation in their voices during the harried moments of Shabbos preparations were eliminated.
At times when the entire family is together, there can often be a flare-up of tensions and anger. As in all areas of mitzvah observance it is incumbent upon parents to set as perfect example as possible of compliance with both the spirit and letter of the law. Surely, if we are strict about tearing paper, conversations about business, money or secular entertainment, then we must also take extra care not to kindle the fire of dissention on the Sabbath day. If all day seems too long, perhaps we can accept upon ourselves to consciously control displaying our upset feelings at least through the evening meal.
If we keep the Shabbos with a full knowledge of menucha, then we will fully understand why our sages called Shabbos "the source of all bracha." As a reward for our efforts at Shabbos menucha may we all merit the true rest and understanding that will come on the Yom Shekulo Shabbos, the final day that is completely filled with piece and rest, our final redemption.
Parsha-Parenting, Copyright (c) 2000 by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg and Project Genesis, Inc. Rabbi Goldberg is the menahel (spiritual advisor) of Yeshivas Ohr Eliyahu, and a highly acclaimed and popular speaker in Los Angeles.
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