ChinuchAtHome

Parenting tips culled from this week's Parasha, from

Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg

the menahel (spiritual advisor) of Yeshivas Ohr Eliyahu, and a highly acclaimed and popular speaker in Los Angeles.

Parshas Vayeishev/Chanukah

by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg

Al Pi Darko - According to His Way
Insights into Chinuch from the Weekly Sedra

Chanukah is a time for celebrating miracles, miracles that were performed, according to the Machzor Vitri both "in those days, and in this time (Bayamim Ha'heym; Bazman Ha'zheh)." These modern day miracles come in many different forms. In last week's sedra, Rav Shimon Schwab, ztz"l quotes the Mirrer Mashgiach, Reb Yerucham Levovitz, ztz"l, as saying that it is a basic law of nature that people continue to hold on tightly to their present modes of behavior. Therefore, changing one's character involves nothing short of changing the natural world, which is our definition of a miracle! Rav Yisroel Salanter, ztz"l, framed the challenge by stating that it is easier for a person to learn the entire Talmud than to change one negative midda (personality trait).

While most parents are willing to give their children a few years to finish the entire Talmud (all 14,000+ pages), the open miracle of changing middos is something that they expect their children to perform from the cradle. It is not the nature of a child to go to sleep, sit quietly at the table or desk, do his or her homework, or play nicely with other children. To put it in perspective, we should consider when the last time was that we as parents or teachers "miraculously" broke a midda or learned the entire Talmud, before we ask the same of our children and students.

This reality does not change our goals for our children, but it does require that we take a patient, long-term view toward refining their behavior. In matters of education, the longer way is almost always the shorter way. However, realism demands that we develop strategies to keep up our and our children's spirit and motivation, while pursuing the miracle of mentschlichkeit (acting like human beings). The miracle of Chanukah, the events surrounding Yosef's exile to Egypt, and our daily tefilos provide us with some essential tools for success.

When put into historical perspective, it is hard to understand why our sages decreed the holiday of Chanukah in the first place, much less calling it the "ultimate of all miracles" (Yoma 29a). Admittedly, the miracle of the oil and the military victory were great acts of G-d. However, although the Holy Temple was rededicated, the war with the Greeks continued for the next twenty-five years, and in these wars, all of Matisyahu's brave and mighty sons perished. In later generations, the Hashmonayim themselves became corrupt, allowing themselves to assume the kingship even though they were Kohanim and the kingship was the exclusive right of the tribe of Yehudah. Eventually, they fell to the point that anyone claiming to be descended from them was assumed to be a slave (Baba Basra, 4b). This enabled the Romans to eventually rise to power, destroy the Temple for good, and we remain in that exile. Some miracle!

Similarly, as his brothers sold Yosef into slavery, the Torah informs us that the merchants who bought him were carrying a cargo of fragrant herbs and spices instead of their usual malodorous freight of kerosene. Rashi explains that this was a sign of the "great reward that Hashem gives to the righteous." Again we must ask what kind of great reward this was? If a prisoner is being sent to Siberia, does he really care if he flies first class or coach? If his captors spray Glade in the cattle car, is that the "great reward of the righteous"?

An insight of the Vilna Gaon into the siddur provides the key to understanding the difficulty of both Chanukah and Yosef. We conclude the thirteenth blessing of the shemoneh esrei (the Amidah) with the declaration that Hashem is the mishan (support) and the mivtach, (the trust) of the tzaddikim (the righteous). The Vilna Gaon explains that by definition, a tzaddik is one who has trust in Hashem. He knows that even though things may look bleak now, eventually he will see HaShem's complete salvation. However, even the trust of the greatest tzaddik can waver during the long period he sometimes must wait until Hashem's help arrives. Therefore, Hashem acts also as his support, his mishan, providing the tzaddik with signs along the way that He has not forsaken him, and that the miracle of his personal or national redemption will surely arrive. Therefore, the Vilna Gaon explains that before Hashem actually took the Jews out of Egypt, He had Moshe show them signs and wonders. Before being delivered from the hands of evil Haman, the Jews of Shushan saw the miracle of Mordechai's rise to power.

Similarly, in the midst of the decades long war against the Greeks, a war that led to events that culminated in the destruction of the Temple and exile, HaShem sent the Jews a jar of pure oil which miraculously burned for eight days. Our sages recognized the importance of this small sign of support, and established the holiday of Chanukah for a time of praise and thanks to G-d throughout our exile. It is the ultimate miracle since it provides us with the message we need to survive our exile - that Hashem has not forgotten us, and we will survive. As Yosef went down to Mitzrayim, ostensibly never to see his father again, HaShem let him know through the small miracle of the caravan's fragrant cargo, that He was still there and that Yosef and his mission were not forgotten. This knowledge shored up Yosef's trust in G-d as he waited, confident in the fact that HaShem would ultimately fulfill his dreams.

In all of our trails, HaShem sends us, from time to time, the little signs we need to support our faith as we struggle to create a better world within us and around us. If, however, we ignore the small, miraculous signs of success, we will lose the mishan (support) we need to become true ba'alei bitachon (those who have faith).

Which brings us back to children and their struggle to become fully functioning Torah Jews. It is a long and daunting task, especially for children who by definition lack the ability to see the big picture or postpone gratification. It therefore becomes incumbent on parents and teachers to become G-d-like in this respect, and be the mishan (support) of each of their children in their individual struggles towards adulthood.

The job of supporter requires that we develop several skills. Firstly, while we maintain our vision of long term goals for our children, we need to divide that goal into many individual steps or rungs. Each of these steps stands as an achievement fitting to be celebrated and should be duly recorded as proof that progress is in fact being made. Just as it would be hard to find adults willing to work for an entire year before they receive a paycheck, children need to have their achievements recognized and commemorated along the way.

Secondly, when the going gets tough, parents need to be the ones to lend support to their children by reminding them that the problem is only temporary, that it is not all pervasive, and that while they are responsible for their actions, sometimes life does give a person a tough break. "I'm lousy at math," can be tempered with, "but you said the same thing about reading Rashi and now you're the best in the class". "I failed this test again, I may as well give up," can be turned into, "Let's get a head start on next week's test right now." "No matter what I do, everything always goes wrong for me," needs to be seen from the true perspective that Hashem only gives really big tests to really big people.

Iyov (Job) said that "a human being is born like a wild donkey." The job of a parent is to take that wild donkey, and turn him into a human being. It is a lifelong task, fraught with potential failure. Neither our children nor we will ever make it, unless we gain support by learning to seek out the small signs of success that prove that Hashem is with us.

Yosef survived his decades of exile on the memory of his fragrant ride into slavery. We have survived our millennia of exile on the memory of a small flask of oil that burned beyond all expectation. The Vilna Gaon states that before the coming of Mashiach, Hashem will again show us small miracles like He did in Egypt, to let us know that He is still there, we are not forsaken, and the ultimate redemption is sure to come. This is the message of the miracle of Chanukah. If it has helped our nation to survive our exile, then our search for small miracles can surely help us survive the transformation of our children from wild donkeys to Torah Jews.

Parsha-Parenting, Copyright (c) 1999 by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg and Project Genesis, Inc. Rabbi Goldberg is the menahel (spiritual advisor) of Yeshivas Ohr Eliyahu, and a highly acclaimed and popular speaker in Los Angeles.

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