ChinuchAtHome

Parenting tips culled from this week's Parasha, from

Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg

the menahel (spiritual advisor) of Yeshivas Ohr Eliyahu, and a highly acclaimed and popular speaker in Los Angeles.

Parshas Vayechi

by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg

Al Pi Darko - According to His Way
Insights into Chinuch from the Weekly Sedra

Legend has it that Rav Nosson Tzvi Finkel, zt"l, the Alter from Slobodka, went to Rav Yisroel Salanter, zt"l, to ask him what should be his unique contribution to the world of mussar (mussar is the concept of inculcating improvements in character traits into a yeshiva curriculum). Reb Yisroel answered him with a verse from the prophet, Isaiah (57, 15): "I abide in exaltedness and holiness, but I am with the despondent and lowly of spirit, to revive the spirit of the lowly and to revive the heart of the despondent."

This is quite a mission statement, and indeed it was fulfilled. Rav Finkel heard that his Rebbe, Rav Simcha Zissel of Kelm, zt"l, had published the book, Chochma Umussar, a collection of hundreds of his letters and ethical discourses on scores of subjects. His response was to say, "My Rebbe has hundreds of discourses, but I have only one: that man was created in the image of G-d." By focusing all of his teaching through the prism of the innate grandeur of man, Rav Finkel succeeded in raising the spirit and the heart of his generation, and through his students, those of our own.

Two major insights can be gleaned from the question of Rav Finkel to Reb Yisroel. First, that each person must seek a singular and unique approach to serving G-d. Secondly, that from the time of Rav Finkel forward, this approach should be one that is positive and rejuvenating to the spirit, as opposed to focused upon one's defects and negative attributes. Similarly, before Rav Noach Weinberg opened his first Yeshiva, his Rosh Yeshiva, Rav Yitzhok Hutner, zt"l, (himself a student of Rav Finkel) advised him to "never mention Gehinnom (the Jewish concept of place conceptually opposite of heaven)." In this week's sedra, the Torah explains that it was just this approach that led Yaakov Avinu, our paradigm of parenting, to the unique status of being successful with all of his children.

As the end of his life approaches, Yaakov Avinu poignantly blesses all of his children. Knowing that they will be the pillars upon which the entire future of the Jewish people will be built, Yaakov blesses them with "the blessing that would come to each of them in the future." (Rashi's explanation) To do so, the Torah describes that Yaakov blessed each of them "according to his appropriate blessing." Rav Yeruchom, zt"l, the spiritual leader of the Mir Yeshiva in pre-war Lithuania, provides a brilliant insight into the nature of this somewhat enigmatic statement: The blessing of each son was given according to what was appropriate to him in respect to his unique nature and set of personality traits. This notion becomes most explicit when Yosef asked Yaakov to give the blessing of the first born to Menashe, the older of his two sons. Yaakov answered him, "I know, my son, I know, but his younger brother (Ephraim) will be greater than him." It seems that Yaakov was unable to bless his children except according to their strengths and unique nature. Since it was Ephraim's nature to be the leader, there was no room for Yaakov's blessing to change that innate reality.

If all of the virtues of each of the Tribes, for example, the righteousness of Yosef, or Yehuda's ability to publicly admit the truth, were natural to them, why are they given such accolades for events in which they simply did what came naturally? In answering this question, Rav Yeruchom establishes a crucial principle in education: The Torah is teaching that only by guarding the virtues that one has acquired naturally can he merit spiritual perfection and purity. In truth, the entire foundation of a person's service of G-d is through the virtues that he has naturally. If he will only guard them and strengthen them properly, so that he not budge from his good nature, then he will achieve ultimate perfection. Every person is given a special trait and virtue through which he can change himself, even his lower nature and poor character traits, completely toward the good.

Many of us feel that our job as husbands, wives, parents and friends, is to eradicate other people's poor traits through constant criticism and nagging. Rav Yeruchom is teaching us that we are only 180 degrees off in our approach. The job of an educator is to help our friends, children, and students to recognize and develop their unique positive characteristics. Although King David commanded us to "turn from evil, and do good," the giants of the mussar movement turned the verse on its head. They understood Dovid to mean that the path to turning from the bad can be achieved only through performing the good.

Early and late commentators, Chassidim and leaders of mussar, are united in this approach. Rabeinu Yona (Avos 2:12) explained Rabban Yochanon ben Zaccai's command that his students find "the straight path to which a person should cling," in the following way: Certainly it is proper for a person to attempt to cling to all of the positive traits. However, what is meant here is that one should choose a particular trait in which to achieve perfection. For through it, it will be easier for him to achieve all of the important traits. This is preferable to pursuing several different traits, and remaining imperfect in all of them.

The Sefas Emmes has a similar explanation for the famous statement of Hillel, "If I am for myself then who will be for me? He states in parashas BeChukosai (the last parasha of Leviticus), that every person needs to fix one special area that no one else will ever be able to fix. In the words of Rav Yeruchom, "Woe to the one who does not know his weaknesses, for he will not know what he has to fix. But a double woe to one who does not know his virtues, for he does not even know the tools he has to work with!"

Rav Wolbe, shlita maintains that although we tend to hide ourselves from our faults, our strengths tend to be even better hidden, and require even greater investigation in order to be discerned. He further suggests that this inability to see our own strengths may well be a measure for measure punishment for our tendency to fail to see the virtue in others. A teacher, for example, who is having problems with a particular student, can usually give a detailed description of the child's weaknesses, in a flash. A request to delineate the child's strengths, however, is usually followed by a pregnant pause. The tragedy of this tendency is that any successful strategy to solve the problem can only be based on an analysis of the child's character and recognition of his strengths. We can only hope to "bless him according to his blessing". Unfortunately, our efforts often more closely resemble "cursing them according to their curse."

Rav Wolbe adds that just as there is one particular natural trait that one must try to perfect, there is also a predominant negative trait that one must try to eradicate. He asserts that this negative trait is perfectly aligned so that it can be annulled by the perfection of its positive counterpart. For example, a person who naturally has great belief and trust in G-d, might, on the negative side, become lazy, relying on Hashem to provide for him without contributing his own effort. True faith, however, will teach him that HaShem helps those who help themselves. Similarly, one whose positive nature is powered by the pursuit of truth might find himself intolerant and full of righteous indignation at other's wrongdoing. The real man of truth will realize that truth includes judging favorably and giving others the opportunity to improve and repent for their mistakes.

An educational psychologist recently told me of a mother who requested that he provide educational testing for her child. When he asked her what type of problems the child was experiencing, the mother answered that he was doing fine in all of his classes. "I want him tested," she said, "not to discover his weaknesses, but to find out what his specific strengths are. Why is he doing so well? If I can find this out, then I can build on his strengths and help him to be even more successful." Such testing may be extreme, but certainly, in light of the advice of Reb Yeruchom, et al, it behooves us to deeply consider which are the primary character traits that exist in our nature and in the nature of our children. Through this we can create what Rav Wolbe calls a "spiritual x-ray." It is this x-ray, not a physical one, which Hashem will use to judge us in the World to Come. And above all, through it we will give our children and ourselves a great gift: the knowledge of what HaShem specifically wants from each of us in our lives.

Parsha-Parenting, Copyright (c) 1999 by Rabbi Shlomo Goldberg and Project Genesis, Inc. Rabbi Goldberg is the menahel (spiritual advisor) of Yeshivas Ohr Eliyahu, and a highly acclaimed and popular speaker in Los Angeles.

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